Tuesday, July 07, 2009

The need to write

I am normally not the type to put my feelings to paper but tonight I can't rest comfortably, there are too many thoughts in my head.

I have 2 friends going thru very tough times right now and it is upsetting. One is a co-worker that I also went to high school with and another is a past co-worker. Both of these women have breast cancer and for one of them this is the 2nd time around -this time it is back with vengeance. Ever since my mother passed away I have built up walls to keep me safe and sound not allowing myself to get attached to anyone but recently I have opened myself up to these friends. Why? I don't have an answer other than I cannot bear to see them go thru this fight and not show them my support. I watched a parent die, I've been thru 2 types of Thyroid Cancer, surgery(s), radiation and survived 10 years but for one of these woman they too survived 10 years until receiving the devastating news of metastasis just a few months ago. I cannot imagine what this has done to them and their families, they are BOTH very strong, beautiful women and they are determined to fight like hell. Where does that drive come from? They have every right to be pissed off at the world yet they continue to be their fun, spirited selves. I am ashamed to think of the little things that piss me off, make me negative and allow me to keep my walls up.
Today I wear a little tiny pink ribbon on my collar to show everyone my support and my partner @ work - Kerri also wears one. Pink ribbons have become part of my closet. My old roomate walks for Breast Cancer..........this desease is devastating! Please be part of the cure, every little bit can help AND get your mammies grammed (it doesn't hurt-I get them)

I have acquaintances that have distanced themselves because I will not allow them to be close, if you really, really have taken the time to know me you would understand my defense mechanism. My partner @ work, I call her my "life partner" since we spend more waking time together than with our husbands and the fact that she would throw down her life to save me-she is the one person besides my husband that teaters on the top of my walls. Can you imagine working with someone in life or death situations on a daily basis and not let them totally into your world, sometimes it's more exhausting to keep the emotional wall up than to just give in and cry!
I cherish the friendships that I have and the people that have come into my circle of life. I will continue to grow and be a part of the support system my girls need. I am proud to be in the circle of these women!


Michelle said...

I am so sorry about your friends(and your loss as well).

I will keep them in my prayers.

Whenever I get depressed about some of the crap going on in my life I need to focus on the fact that me and my husband are alive and healthy.

Not much else matters beyond that.

Special K said...

I'm sorry to hear about your friends. Cancer sucks! No nice way to say it...

I also have a "work husband" who knows me probably better than my real life husband ever did. You know I understand that "my life may depend on you" bond we develop with our partners. :)