Friday, November 30, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
For those that don't know, there are some things that need to be done a bit differently when bringing home an adopted child.
There are attachment issues to consider. For example, we're told to not allow anyone else to hold the child for the first 4-6 weeks and to lay low, stay home, have very limited visitors. All of this is to help with the critical period of attachment.
All of us adoptive folks have had to read books on this topic, attend workshops, etc. So, we feel pretty comfortable with what needs to be done. However, it's another thing to sometimes try and explain it to friends and family. I have heard of other folks really struggling with it.
There are some great resources out there. But, for those folks that will be part of the community of people welcoming home an adopted child (friends and family), you may want to check out the list of helpful hints below.
It's a list of "Dos & Don'ts" for folks on adoption and attachment. It comes from a site that deals with attachment in adopted children, A4EverFamily .
Dos & Don’ts for Family & Friends of Adoptive Parents
1. Offer household help (running errands, preparing meals that can go right from the freezer to the oven, etc.) so the mother can spend more time holding the child.
2. Trust the mother’s instincts. Even a first time mother may notice subtle symptoms that well-meaning family and friends attribute to “normal” behavior.
3. Accept that attachment issues are difficult for anyone outside of the mother to see and understand.
4. Be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.
5. Allow the parents to be the center of the baby’s world. One grandfather, when greeting his grandson, immediately turns him back to his mom and says positive statements about his good mommy.
6. Tell the baby every time you see her what a good/loving/safe mommy she has.
7. When the parents need someone to care for the baby for a night out, offer to babysit in the child’s home. (After the child has been home for a substantial period of time.)
8. As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the baby looks like she really wants to be with Grandma, for example, she needs to have a strong attachment to her parents first. Something as simple as passing the baby from one person to another or allowing others, even grandparents, to hold a baby who is not “attached” can make the attachment process that much longer and harder. Some parents have had to refrain from seeing certain family members or friends because they did not respect the parents’ requests.
9. Accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.
10. Remember that there is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many babies do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!
1. Assume an infant is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment. Babies are not immune.
2. Underestimate a new mother’s instincts that something isn’t right.
3. Judge the mother’s parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.
4. Make excuses for the child’s behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors “normal”. For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait, this type of behavior in an attachment-impaired child may signify problems.
5. Accuse the mother of being overly sensitive or neurotic. She is in a position to see subtle symptoms as no one else can.
6. Take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment. You may be asked not to hold the baby for more than a minute. This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to the baby who his mommy and daddy are. Up until now the child’s experience has been that mommies are replaceable. Allowing people to hold the baby before he has accepted his forever mommy and daddy are can be detrimental to the attachment process.
7. Put your own time frames on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn’t understand…after all, the baby had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.
8. Offer traditional parenting advice. Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the baby up every time she cries because it will spoil her. A child who is at-risk or who suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time she cries. He needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care of her and always keep her safe.
9. Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of “putting on a good face” in public.
10. Lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.
Thanks for reading!
The following are blogs of people who have referrals for their children:Journey to Maggie Mae
Home with Emily
Hang On Little Tomato
Bringing TieTie home
The above information is posted on Rumor Queen
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
We thought this was a hummingbird until I looked closer at my pictures...it's a Hummingbird moth! (Click on the picture for a close up)It flits around fast like a hummingbird too....have you ever seen one of these? I was so excited thinking I had a hummingbird in my garden, boy was I disappointed. Atleast we get these beautiful butterflies.
Monday, November 05, 2007
The following blogs have pictures posted:Introducing Isla
Journey for Jenna
Lumpia and Dim Sum
Journey to Adopt Savannah
The following blogs have their referral, but no pictures yet:Tori’s Red Thread
Waiting for Ava
The following blogs are expecting referrals in this batch:Journey to Hannah
Hen and Chicks
Chris and Shaye and
Journey to ShaeLynn
Cadee Makes 4
Bringing Madison Home
The following blogs have music and are not work safe:Waiting for Ana (Ana York : password york)
Our HOPE & Dreams
The Tomlinson Tribe Grows
The following is a list of LID dates that have been given their referrals-KEEP IN MIND we are LID 6/02/2006. The dates that state “placed up to” are actual LID dates. LID=logged in Date (the day our paperwork was logged in to China)
On July 27, 2007 the following LID dates have been placed up to November 14, 2005
This means all of these people were Logged in China on or before November 14, 2005.
On September 10, 2007 the following LID dates have been placed up to November 25, 2005 This means all of these people were Logged in China between November 14, 2005 thru November 25, 2005.
On October 7, 2007 the following LID dates have been placed up to November 30, 2005
This means all of these people were Logged in China bewteen November 25, 2005 thru November 30, 2005.
I think you are following me now.....And last as of today November 5, 2007 LID dates have been placed up to December 8, 2005.
All of these people have a Logged in date of November 25, 2005 thru December 8, 2005.
To surmise all of this in a small paragraph:
Meaning of "have been placed".......they(these families) have received a referral, picture, phone call and/or medical information on their child that waits for them in China. Once they (the families) accept their referral the time clock once again starts as they wait for their travel authorization from China allowing them into the country to pick up and adopt their child.
As you can see it takes at least 1 full month to refer only 8 – 10 days of LIDS. If this process does not speed up then our wait will continue to grow. However, IF China starts to refer more days of LIDS per month THEN our wait will decrease. Hope this explains what is going on a little better for you.
To answer a few of your questions,
No we are not going to switch countries.
Yes, it’s a long process.
No , I cannot tell China to speed up their process.
Yes, our agency keeps us very informed and they are just a phone call away if we need to ask them questions (which we have)
And YES, there are many, many more people out there going through the very same thing and it’s not just us.
Thanks for being there for us!
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Friday, November 02, 2007
*If I have removed your blog in error please drop me a line and let me know so I can put you back up.
I will admit that I am not the blog stalker that I was about a year ago BUT I do check in every week or so. I'm sure as the process speeds up or gets a little closer to us then we will be back to our usual blog checks 4 and 5 times a day. As for an update...we have no news for you as we round the 17 month mark.